Angie's Entry

Well kids and campers, it's week two at my new job and all is status quo. It's a job,with a pay increase that will pay my bills. It's not the job I want, but for now it will have to do until I can make a different move.

I went over to my mom's on Saturday and we talked. She told me she wanted to call me everyday and see if I was ok, but she didn't want to bother me either. I guess she was pretty worried that I might hurt myself.

I talked to my sista on Friday for like an hour, her surgery went well and she sounded like she was in good spirits. She tried again with the pep talk, you're a great person, you're smart, blah, blah, blah. And yes it's true, I don't believe any of the things people tell me about myself because you have to get right with yourself before you can accept what other people have to say about you and believe it.

Changing who you are is hard. And taking the first step is even harder when you don't know where you want to get to. When you're thirty and have no direction for yyour life. And if one more person says, 30!? You've got plenty of time - Fuck you. You're not me.

I've been living with depression for as long as I can remember. I took medication for it for a while when I was in school.

I haven't been happy with myself or my life for a very long time.

I know that everyone has things, choices, decisions they wish they'd done differently, but do you know anyone who just plain wishes they were someone other than themselves? I do.

I can put up a good front. I can pretend that I'm fine, and most people will accept that. Which works, cause then those same people go on about their daily lives. Ignorance is bliss.

I feel/felt bad for my mom, she's got enought to worry about without worrying about me.

She even emailed Teresa on Friday. The reasoning behind it isn't very clear to me, because as much as Teresa is a good friend of mine, she knows little to nothing about what's going on in my life because she's too wrapped up in her own. But that's something that you learn to accept by being her friend, she's selfish and self-absorbed, that's just who she is. I called her Saturday when I got home cause she'd left me a message and I didn't want her to think I was ignoring her.

I'm one of Katie's personal attendants in her wedding and it's really the last thing I want to do. I think she asked me out of guilt because their keeping the wedding parties small, which I completely understand. One the other hand, I don't want to have to be around my ex, his current or his kids. It's hard. Especially when the kids don't even remember who I am. the oldest won't even acknowledge me, most likely because of her mother's influence. The middle kid, who was my kid, I don't even know if she remembers who I am. Katie and I had a difference of opinion this past spring. A situation wasn't handled with the maturity it should have been and Katie didn't understand why I was so upset about it. She didn't understand because luckily for her, she's never been through what I have, and I hope she never does. So I'm trying to figure out if or how I tell her that I can't be in her wedding, or if I suck it up and be apart of something that'll going to be very uncomfortable.

I'm not looking for sympathy or a pat on the head that it'll be ok. I don't know that and neither do you.

Is there anything anyone can do? No. Most days I'm not even sure that there's anything I can do.

Aimee,
Coming from someone who knows depression, the depression you're feeling is situational and it will pass with time. I promise it will. You're feeling a lot of stress due to your financial situation and the crap with your sister, it to will pass. It might not have the outcome you desire but eventually it will resolve itself.

But I know, who the hell am I to be giving someone else advise? I'm not.

I'm a complete contradiction - I know.

Later,
Ang