Angie's Entry - Feeling - so many things

It's never an easy thing to put your feelings on the line. Even in the most subtle ways.

I've been burned a few times, so I try not to play with matches.

It took me a long time to pull myself up from the depths and I have to say I think I did a pretty good job, at least everyone tells me so. Of course I had a few key friends who walked the rocky path behind me, just to make sure I was heading in the right direction.

I've purposely avoided any kind of serious or even non-serious situations with guys because I wasn't ready to go that far down again. I've put a lot of time and energy into liking myself, building myself back up and being who I want to be. It's hard to believe that you're (in general terms, not me specifically)(I don't think I'm - nevermind. I'm rambling.)

When someone spends four years telling you you're stupid, not good at anything, ugly etc. etc. etc. It takes quite a while to stop believing it. But eventually I did. Not that I'm Cindy Crawford or anyone like that. But I finally stopped being depressed over losing him, stopped blaming myself for everything that went wrong, for every time he cheated on me, and figured out that I deserve to be treated better. With respect.

Where's this coming from?

Aaron and I talked a little bit last night. It was his birthday and I went up to the bar with him for a while. He's left a lot of things a mystery to me. Telling me bits and pieces of things that have been going on, but never really the whole story. I'm not sure why he hasn't been totally forward, but I don't think he does it to be shady. I think it's just things he'd rather not talk about or think about.

So while we were standing by my car we got to dancing around. Verbally, not literally.

There's an ex other than the nutcase, she works up at the bar with him. She's a bartender and apparently a little on the nutty side. Wow, that's a big shocker right? One nutcase to the next? He looks at me and says I'm normal and it's scary for him. I assured him that I've had my manic and psychotic episodes, he just may not have been around to see them. I've argued with Aaron before, I've seen his temper. He's not someone you can back down to. But he'll eventually come around. It's just how he is.

I bit my tongue until it bled last night, he kept telling me 'just say it, just say it. I know you want to, so go ahead. I can handle it.' So after shaking my head, avoiding his eyes, I finally told him - 'I don't know why you keep fuckin around with these chicks when have you some thing better standing right in front of you.'

Well, that caught him off guard. He had that look like - say what? He finally found his tongue and says 'we talked about this at Nick's that one night didn't we?' 'Yeah, like 5 years ago'. Then we both broke out into a jig.

It was a little uncomfortable, but it's cause I'm not sure what he's feeling.

I hate uncertainty. I hate feeling open and vunerable.

Maybe it's cause - I don't know and I won't pretend to know.

I think he might be afraid to fuck things up with me? I don't know. I wish I did.

But there's something to be said when the same person keeps popping into and out of your life for so long, that you have to stop and wonder - why? What is the reason this person is in my life and why feelings that I've had for him have not diminished over the past 7 years?

Life's all about second chances isn't it?

Or does fate really like to fuck with me that much?

Could be.

I dunno. We hugged a lot, he told me to text him when I got home. I did. He marked his calendar for the Motley show in August. My cousin has an extra ticket, I'm insisting that she not let my 14 year old niece go. She doesn't like that music and a Motley show really is no place for a 14 year old. It's on a Friday night and I'm goin to fuckin party baby!!

So I think I'm done now. I just have to get this idea out of my head that Aaron and I could probably have something amazing and just play it cool. Let him come to me when he's ready but not sit around and wait for him.

Easier said than done huh?

Oh, he's funny. He apologized for his buddy hanging around all night Saturday. He told me that's why another of his friends didn't come over, cause I was. So I'm feeling some mixed messages and I need to make sure I keep myself clear about what's going on in my own head until he figures out his.

Don't worry, I'll keep you posted.

Thought for the day: Proceed with caution.