Aimee

Earlier in the week, just before I morphed into some strange zombie-like entity that walked around in a fog and felt, oddly, absolutely nothing, I had decided to take a break from well, just about everything. I didn’t want to talk, I didn’t want to hear, I didn’t want to feel. I didn’t want anything.

So, what’s changed between then and now? Well, the fog that was clouding my brain suddenly (and somewhat ruthlessly) dissipated and I was forced to do all those things – talk, hear, feel – that I was vehemently avoiding. In being forced to do those things, I had to accept that every action has consequences and I can’t just set something in motion and then slink back and expect it to work itself out while I cower in the corner. Life doesn’t work that way. I’m an adult and I need to start acting like one.

I’ve been a bit cryptic and basically refused to acknowledge, accept or talk about the things that are happening in my personal life at the moment because honestly, I didn’t want to deal with them myself (which is childish because we wouldn’t be dealing with anything if I hadn’t pushed). And there are some people that are wondering what’s up?

To that, I say... a little bit of this, a little bit of that and a whole fucking lot of just about everything.

Long story short, Drew and I are currently in the process of separating (there are reasons, both good and bad, that brought us to where we are right now but I can’t nor won’t be discussing them because there are two sides to every story and he’s not here to tell his). And it hasn’t been easy on any of us but I don’t guess it’s supposed to be, is it?

Life as we’ve known it for the past 6 years is about to change for Cameron, for Drew and for me. And I’m not too proud to admit that I’m scared but while I’m scared, I also know that this was something I had to do for Cameron and for us.

The other day my sister asked me the same question I’ve asked myself a thousand times since we made this decision, "What about you and Drew? Where do you go from here?"

I don’t know? Maybe we’ll make it and maybe we won’t. Maybe we’ll rediscover and deepen what we’ve lost and maybe we won’t. I have no answers right now. I guess only time will tell where we go from here.

As for my hiatus... One of the reasons I decided not to post anything here while Drew and I are working through this was because I didn’t feel that anything I have to say right now would be productive or remotely happy (and honestly, I still don’t) and I didn’t figure that anyone wants to read a bunch of depressing shit (and honestly, I still do). But I’ve decided to post anyway because lately I’ve felt the need to purge (kind of like therapy). I’ll try not to be all maudlin, all the time but I’ve been having some bad moments lately (like last night when I had to sit Cameron down and explain that his daddy is going to be living somewhere else. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do and I couldn’t fully express how painful it was for both of us) and when I have those bad moments, my posts aren’t likely to be very pleasant but I’ll sincerely try to be as happy as I can be as often as I can be.

And last but certainly not least, Angie and Evan, aside from family, you two are the only ones I felt comfortable enough to talk about any of this with before now and I hope you both know how thankful I am for your support, your ears (well eyes), your love and your friendship. It means everything. Truly. I love you both infinitely.