Aimee's Entry - Accepting Fate is a Hard Pill to Swallow.

I feel icky today. I'm depressed, my "happy" place has faded out and I'm feeling rather morbid. So, I'll apologize now for the down note on this entry but I have to vent.

I do believe that I'm getting ANOTHER cold. And this will make cold number 3 since the beginning of March. If my mother finds out, it'll mean, more antibiotics pushed on me, more trips to the immunologist, more poking, more prodding. I hate it.

I think I've mentioned before that I have a Primary Immune Disease, commonly called CVID (Commom Variable Immune Defieciency). The version of CVID that I have is called Hypogammaglobulinemia. It's a tongue twister and, quite frankly, I've grown to detest the word immensely but at the same time, it's a word that I HAVE to accept because it affects me in so many ways, from the way I live my life to the way my loved ones live their lives. Take the flu vaccination, for instance. There was a shortage this year, so, they were offering something called "Flu-Mist", which was like a simulation of the live virus. Well, I can't have "Flu-Mist", nor, can I come in contact with anyone who has had it, so, no one in my family was allowed to get it either. Same thing with the Smallpox vaccination. That's not fair to them, is it? But because they love me, they do what needs to be done for ME. While I'm grateful, I hate that they have to make sacrifices in their live because of a disease that dictates mine.

I'm having "acceptance" issues again but I can't seem to help it. I know that I need to stop bitching and moaning over something that is and will be a part of my life forever.

"We cannot change anything until we accept it. Condemnation does not liberate, it oppresses." - Carl Gustav Jung

And I know that this sounds whiny and ungrateful but, dammit, I hate being sick and I hate the fact that having this illness plays havoc with my emotions. I hate that at times it makes me feel weak because I hate admitting weakness in any way, shape or form. I wrote this poem a while back and it pretty much sums up how I'm feeling today.

Life throws some curveballs, that much I've learned
I've had to work so damn hard for all that I've earned
And sometimes it just seems like it'll never be enough
I want to say FUCK IT, I just ain't that tough
I have to fight with this illness every damn day
I want to scream 'Why the fuck won't you just go AWAY'
See sometimes it's fine, that shit don't even phase me
But days like today I just know eventually it's gonna break me
I hate to admit weakness but sometimes I cry
On those desolate days I can't find a good reason why
Why I was the one granted this fucking disease
Was there something I did to make it choose me?
I have learned now to accept it as something I can't change
But I am only human damnit sometimes I feel pain
So I wrote this little poem here to exorcise my demons
Because it's eating me up, all these fucked up emotions
Sorry for the rant, I certainly didn't mean to bend your ear
But sometimes no matter how hard I try I just can't escape this fear...

Lord, I sound so selfish and ungrateful. There are worse things I could have - SCIDS, AIDS, Cancer. I need to stop being so self-absorbed. And I really need to stop focusing on the negative and start focusing on the positive things in my life.