Aimee

Unrequited love (lust, want, like, friendship, etc.) is painful. No one can control what they feel for someone else (or at least I can't) and when those feelings aren't returned, it hurts. But being in love with someone who isn't in love with you is no excuse for allowing that love to destroy you.

Because I know what it's like to love and not be loved in return, I've tried to be understanding, but when the person you're in love with callously uses that love against you and then sits back on the sidelines and watches you self-destruct, it makes the fact that you let him intolerable. And here's where I have a problem because I have no more understanding left, not for this, not anymore.

And you're probably all wondering what the hell has me rambling on about love and destruction, huh? Well, I'll tell you.

In a word: Christie.

Christie has become a living, breathing, walking nightmare who has slipped into self-destruct mode and refuses to see that she's not just hurting herself with the stupid shit that she's doing. And the worst part, the part that I'm having trouble swallowing is that it's all on account of one worthless scumbag who doesn't give two shits that his fucked up games are destroying her. And really, why should he? He does not love her, he has never loved her and he will never love her. What he loves is fucking her, and as long as she continues to let him, he'll continue to fuck her (literally).

D has been playing this head game with Christie since last January and the effects of these games he plays with her have caused a lot of ugly scenes, but none as ugly as the one I was subjected to last night. And all I'm going to say about the bullshit that went down here last night is that this single minded obsession she has with a man who does nothing but use her as a tool to get himself off whenever he has a fucking itch caused her to lose any sense of self control and forget that she has fucking responsibilities that can't be shoved aside while she drowns herself in alcohol. Because I love her, I'll put up with a lot, but I won't put up with that.

Maybe this is selfish of me, but fuck, I have my own shit to deal with. And I don't think she has any idea because she's so absorbed in this twisted game that asshole is playing with her that she can't see anything else, but she needs to wake up and pay attention because I'm not doing so good and I don't know how much more I can take. Stress is eating me from the inside out and my health is basically fucked because I'm too busy taking care of everyone else to worry about myself. I haven't had an infusion since mid November and I feel like the walking dead, I rarely sleep anymore because I can't and I'm so tired, I hardly eat anymore because it hurts to eat and I think I'm getting an ulcer. And that's just my health, I won't bother with my mental state because I'll be here all night.

I can't do it anymore, I just can't.

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And my scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

Drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
I'm pissed cause you came around
Why don't you just go home
Cause you channel all your pain
And I can't help you fix yourself
You're making me insane
All I can say is

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And my scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

I tried to help you once
Against my own advice
I saw you going down
But you never realized
That you're drowning in the water
So I offered you my hand
Compassions in my nature
Tonight is our last stand

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And my scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

I'm drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
You shouldn't ever come around
Why don't you just go home
Cause you're drowning in the water
And I tried to grab your hand
And I left my heart open
But you didn't understand
But you didn't understand
Go fix yourself

I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I've gotta move on with my own life
I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I've gotta move on with my own life

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And my scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And my scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

Scars -- Papa Roach

I love her, but I can't fix her, I've tried, but the only person who can fix her is her.

And I've said this before, but I have no one in my life that I can physically turn to for help, for support, for love, for understanding, for comfort. I have no friends, and when I need to talk to someone, there's no one to listen. It gets a bit lonely, but I deal with it because I know that when shit gets to be too much, I can go to Angie and she'll help and she'll support and she'll understand and she'll comfort and she'll listen. And I'm thankful for her and her friendship and the love she selflessly gives me. I love you, Ang.