Aimee

I'm in such a mood today. And if I had a quarter for every time I've uttered that phrase, I'd probably be a rich woman by now. Anyway, it all started last night, but if I'm being honest, it started months ago, and last night was just when it finally crashed through that wall of denial I'd stubbornly built up around myself and spun out of control. It was a rough night and I was in rough shape and I'm certainly paying for it today.

Oh, it's nothing all that serious or maybe it is, I don't know and truthfully, I don't want to know? And that's the problem, you see, because really, I just don't want to know. I don't. I just want it to go away and leave me alone, but I've let it go long enough to realize that it isn't going to do that. It's not going to go away, and I have to deal with it whether I like it or not.

One of my biggest faults has always been my uncanny way of hedging, it's what I do, and maybe it's wrong, but it allows me to walk around in a state of ignorant bliss, and as long as I'm in that state nothing could possibly go wrong, right? Wrong. Shit still happens when you're floating down the river of denial, only you're too wrapped up in that denial to admit that everything isn't alright, and as long as you stay there in that place, it isn't going to be. You're going to sink when you could have swam.

I've been dealing with this on my own because I didn't want to admit that it could be a problem (and I'm still hoping that it isn't), and sharing it would've been, in my eyes, giving it more credence than I thought it deserved. And that's just stupid because, though they are few, there are people I could have and should have turned to for help, support, advice, love, and yet I didn't, I kept it to myself. I needed (hell, I need) all of those things, and I could've had them if I wasn't so damn stubborn. And I'm truly sorry for that.

Anyway, I've had a lump in my right armpit (sounds icky, doesn't it) for months, and now that I've accepted that it isn't some swollen gland that's just going to go away, I've gone ahead and made an appointment with my surgeon and I guess we'll see what we see.

(And please, I don't want anyone to be hurt that I didn't share this with them. I didn't share this with anybody, not even my mother until this weekend, and that was wrong, I know. There are a few of you that I love very deeply and I should've shared this, it would've helped me deal with it better than I have, but sometimes I just have trouble laying my problems at other peoples feet because I know that they have their own lives and their own problems and they shouldn't have to take on mine too. And that's the wrong way to think because I know that when people love each other they're supposed to be there for one another through anything. But I'm telling you now, I need you.)