This, that or the other thing.

Okay, so this is more than likely that, but it's alright because I do believe I caught it before I'll be needing to make any dreaded trips to the emergency room. I just have to find the time to swing into my doctor's office tomorrow and he should be able to prescribe some antibiotics that'll fix me right up. It still sucks though because it's quite painful, and I'm no fan of pain.

The rest of the day was blah. Cameron had an accident at school that required me to leave work and head home to get him a change of clothes so I could drop them off to him. And he was so upset by all this that he didn't want to go back to class, but I had to go back to work so I promised him that someone would pick him up right after school and he wouldn't have to go to aftercare. It was a ballsy promise on my part because I hadn't asked anyone yet, but Robin came to the rescue and picked him up for me. The only icky part was that I had to go to the farm after work to pick him up, and since I've been miserable all day with this thing, that was the last thing I wanted to do. But I did it.

And God, I have such a headache right now, but it's my own fault because I knew better than to lay down after my dad got here this evening, but I did it anyway. I went out like a light for a few hours, and for some reason when I do that, I always wake up with a pounding headache. But I just took some motrin so hopefully that'll kick the headache back a few notches.

And that's all, I should probably go back to bed, but I just don't feel like it right now. Maybe in a bit.

Whoo boy,

Aimee's not feeling so hot right now, and the last time I had this problem, I ended up spending a whole lot of miserable hours in the ER, followed by a few more miserable hours in the back being fed antibiotics through an IV. Sucks for me, but I'm confident that this is not that. See, all's dandy. I think.

Oh well, it was a pisser of a day before this started anyway so at least it's consistent.

Today was a good day.

And it was. Really and truly.

Aside from minor exceptions, Sunday is Cameron’s day with Drew, and I’m typically left to myself to do whatever it is that I do by myself, which is usually nothing, but earlier in the week my mom invited me to go to a craft show in Wellington with her on Sunday, and since there wasn’t anything pressing (or well, anything at all, LOL) on my schedule, I accepted. And it was fun.

We got to the craft show around noon and wandered around for a while just looking at stuff, and then out of the blue my mom decided that we needed to get something matching. You see, my mom and Christie have matching toe rings (mine is completely different from theirs) that she bought for them while they were in the Keys one weekend awhile back, but her and I don’t have anything like that, and she decided we needed to change that. But not toe rings because that’s her and Christie’s thing. Well, after a bit of thought, she decided that we absolutely had to have matching thumb rings. So now we do.


After we left the craft show, we hit The Mall at Wellington Green, and had a bite to eat before browsing a bit, then it was off to Target to get Sarah and Cameron some new underwear and socks. I bought myself some underwear too, and when I showed them to Drew, he asked me if there was something wrong with me as they look like mens boxer briefs, they’re just for women, there’s nothing wrong with me, they just look comfortable, but I digress. While we were at Target I fell in love with these jean capri cargo pants and I wanted them so I put them in the cart while we shopped so I could walk around with them for a bit before I put them back, but my stubborn mother wouldn’t let me put them back, and I ended up buying them for myself (I actually hate doing that because I always feel guilty). Anyway, after Target, we hopped over to Beall’s because my mom wanted to buy me the new flip flops she couldn’t find around Christmas time. And they’re super cute, I love them.

Then it was off to pick up Cameron, and head back home so he could get ready for bed, which is where he is now.

So like I said, today was a good day.

Aimee...

I took my Cameron to breakfast this morning and then we headed to Toys R Us and picked him up a Razor Scooter (he also got an Etch A Sketch, a Magna Doodle and a Batman coloring book, but I believe those pale in comparison to his new scooter). He’d been asking for one FOREVER and since I’ve been hanging onto these gift certificates he got for Christmas I decided to go ahead and bite the bullet. Now my stress level will be up a couple notches because I just went and got him yet another thing he can fall off of and hurt himself, but I’ll deal with it because it made him happy, and he’s been a bit unhappy lately. We both have, but we’re feeling pretty alright today.

Anyway, my mom told me last night when she dropped off Cameron that we really need to get to work on getting this house in shape because there is only a couple weeks left until she’ll be starting to stay here 3 or 4 nights a week. I never mentioned that, did I? I’m afraid Cameron and I are going to have a FULL house for a while. My dad and my papaw are moving in within the next couple months (Christie is the only thing putting a damper on them starting to move their things in at the moment because 50% of her shit is still littering the place and there’s just no room until she finishes getting it out) and they’ll be permanent, but my mom is also going to be camping out upstairs on an air mattress in Cameron’s room 3 or 4 nights a week because her house in Okeechobee is finished so Robin has basically moved up there and left her here, and because of that she needs (or feels the need) to vacate the farm. She doesn’t have to, of course, but I think she feels a bit uncomfortable staying there with Robin’s brother by herself. It’s all cool with me, I just didn’t realize it’d be so soon. I need to get my ass moving.

Speaking of Christie, she still hasn’t paid the remaining $220.00 for February’s rent so I sent her a bit of a bitchy e-mail, and she finally responded. And after she did, we sent quite a few e-mails back and forth, and though we’re nowhere near being on friendly terms with each other, we’re being reasonable and somewhat nice with each other, and as pissed and hurt as I am with and by her, it makes it easier that we’re being reasonably nice. Oh, while I’m on the subject of Christie, she was in the ER all day on Thursday because she was vomiting blood, and after a bunch of tests they told her she has gastroenteritis, and because it was causing her to bleed internally, she’s been put on med’s and strict bed rest. My mom picked up Sarah from preschool that day and Miss Anne pulled my mom aside and had a talk with her about some fears she has concerning Sarah. It pisses me off because I’ve tried unsuccessfully to get Christie to do something about this, and for reasons I’m not at liberty to discuss, my hands are kind of tied at the moment so I there isn’t much that I can do. It’s so extremely frustrating and painful for me.

And my father-in-law is also in the hospital, I’m not sure exactly what’s wrong with him, but Niel (Drew’s brother) said it’s quite serious, they believe he has a tumor on his colon and they’ll be doing tests in the coming days to ascertain whether or not that is what the problem is. I called him a bit ago and it was so good to hear his voice, he’s very much in my thoughts, and I’d be most appreciative if you’d keep him in yours too.

And that’s all really, Cameron and I are going to head up to the store in a bit because he’s wanting a snack and I haven’t shopped yet this week and then as soon as my dad gets here, I’m off to do my Saturday thing with Drew.

I hope you’re all having a fantastic Saturday.

Aimee -- 2 Things (Quiz)...

Because I'm bored and I can think of absolutely nothing productive to talk about.


2 Things (Quiz)

Two Names You Go By:
1. Aim
2. Aimers

Two Things That Scare You:
1. Spiders (seriously, I have a wicked case of arachnophobia)
2. Being alone. I'm thinking being alone is my fate, but it does scare me, I don't like being alone, it's, well, lonely.

Two of Your Everyday Essentials:
1. Water
2. Coffee

Two Things You Are Wearing Right Now:
1. My Skechers flip flops
2. Jean capri pants

Two of Your Favorite Bands or Musical Artists:
1. Eh, no one in particular--whatever appeals at the moment.
2. ^^ Ditto

Two of Your Favorite Songs - at the moment:
1. Beautiful Disaster -- Kelly Clarkson
2. Drift Away -- Uncle Kracker (Don't ask why cause honestly, I don't know, I just like it)

Two Things You Want in a Relationship:
1. Honesty
2. Respect

Two Physical Things that Appeal to You on the opposite sex:
1. Eyes
2. Mouth

Two of Your Favorite Hobbies:
1. Reading
2. Writing

Two Things you Want Really Badly:
1. Just to have some semblance of normalcy
2. And maybe a sprinkle of happiness wouldn't hurt

Two Places You Want to go on Vacation:
1. West
2. Northwest

Two Things You Want to Do Before You Die:
1. Quit smoking--I swear I can do it
2. Finish losing this bloody, bitching, self-esteem killing weight that I carry around with me so I can learn to feel comfortable in my skin again

Two Things You Normally Wouldn't Admit:
1. Come again? I don't quite understand the question.
2. Hmm, still not getting it...

Two Things You Are Thinking About Now:
1. Sex (Okay, I'm not really, but I probably should be because it'd be a hell of a lot more entertaining than anything I'm currently thinking about)
2. The messed up state of my life (SIGH, it's so depressing)

Two Stores You Go To A Lot:
1. Target
2. Barnes and Noble

Two people I would like to see take this quiz:
1. Anybody...
2. Everybody...

Two people I haven't talked to in a while:
1. I don't know? I don't really talk to many people
2. ^^ Ditto

Two things you are thankful for:
1. Family
2. Friends

I just don't get it!?!

I don't understand how any halfway responsible adult can justify taking money from a bunch of misguided teenagers?

If it were me, and I ran what has always been a free forum that due to circumstances beyond my control started to decline, I'd close up shop before I started begging people (especially young, naive people) for money to help keep my joke of a site from going under. Because I don't know if anyone is paying attention, but that's what it's become--a joke, and not an amusing one.

I don't get why she doesn't just let it go? Before our friendship came to a nasty halt, all the bitch ever did was complain about the sites upkeep, the thankless members and any other thing she could find to complain about.

Narcissism is an ugly thing, and if any one of those people stopped to think about it, they'd realize that her enormous "me, me, me" complex is the only reason she wants to keep it going.

Oh well, not my problem anymore, it just pisses me off that she continues to get away with manipulating people.

Aimee -- Wow, it's been a few days, huh?

Well it's only because invariably, I have been unable to visit my happy place, and therefore, I've been a bit bitchy this week. Honestly, it's a wonder that anyone within glancing distance is still walking around with their skin fully intact. I do believe I've proven this week that looks definitely can't kill because if they could, there'd be a few less people roaming the earth.

Anyhow, I happen to be in a fairly decent mood today, the why's of that odd little phenom remain a mystery because it isn't Friday, I'm over-tired and nothing has really changed since yesterday or last week or--you get the point. Hmm. It could be the fact that I had the most erotic dream I've ever had in my life last night. And it makes absolutely no sense really, because the timing was well, strangely inappropriate considering I spent a ridiculous amount of time weeping (have I ever mentioned that I'm a crier? Not so much at movies or commercials or songs (though embarrassingly enough, I have been known to cry during any and all of those things), but the least little thing in my personal life, happy or sad, sends me into a sniffling, weepy mess of tears. What can I say? I'm a tad over-sensitive) last night, and by the time I went to bed, my eyes were puffy, my nose was an unnatural shade of red, and I looked like complete hell, but apparently that doesn't matter, my mind wanted to take a sidetrip, and no amount of tears were going to stand in its way. Aside from the tears and weird timing, what went down in my dream was something I've never (ever) consciously imagined my self doing, it was, well, different and probably a bit beyond what most people would consider comfortable. And that's all I'm going to say about that, if you're curious, you'll just have to use your imagination.

So other than erotic dreams, murderous looks, sarcastically bitchy comments and a whole lot of weeping, I haven't done all that much worth talking about this week. Maybe next week will be better, one can hope anyway.

Aimee

Last night (this morning, whatever) was icky. It was one of those weird times where I was extremely tired, but my mind refused to fall in line with my body, and there were just so many things flying through my head that I couldn’t keep up with them. And I had this intense urge to talk to somebody, just talk, because I was so fucking lonely, and my head was so full of just everything, but it was 4 o’clock in the morning, and I couldn’t think of anyone who loves me enough that they’d be cool with me calling at that ridiculous time, so I just laid there staring at the ceiling while my mind continued to slowly overload.

It was daylight before my mind finally decided to shutdown, and Cameron was up shortly after that, but he let me rest for a bit before he crawled into bed with me and demanded breakfast. I got up and took him to Denny’s because he wanted french toast sticks, and I didn’t have anything in the house that would pass for those nor did I have bread, eggs, etc. so making them was out too. After breakfast we went shopping, and then we came back home and though Cameron was a bit on the hyper side today, we pretty much just laid around doing nothing together. It was nice.

But I have a headache just behind my eyes that’s been hanging around all day, and I don’t believe it has any intention of going anywhere. I think it’s because I need new glasses, but I just can’t afford them right now.

And that’s it really. There were quite a few things I should’ve done this weekend because I have to start getting this place ready for my dad and my papaw to move in, but I’ve had absolutely no motivation to do anything, and honestly, it’s a bit hard to do anything with over half of Christie’s shit still laying all over the place. But I do need to get my ass in gear here or I’m going to be nothing but a big ball of stress when it actually comes time for them to move in and I haven’t done a damn thing to get the house ready.

Anyhow, I hope you all had a nice relaxing Sunday.

It's 3 am...

And I'm still awake. Sigh. That'll teach me to sleep so late, huh?

Aimee's Lazy Day.

So I was talking to my mom earlier and she told me that Cameron really wants to go to Disney Land (or rather after some research on my part, it’s actually Disney’s California Adventure park that he’s wanting to go to), and she insists that we should save up so we can take him. But...

"Disney Land? What on earth for? Disney World’s about 3 hours from here, and we can drive there, plus it’s a hell of a lot bigger. You did tell him it’s in California, right? He’d have to like get on a plane, and you do realize it isn’t a quick flight from here to there either."

"I know, I told him, but there’s this ride..."

"Wait, wait, wait... this, as in singular? One ride? He wants to go to Disney Land for one ride?"

"Yeah cause they don’t have that particular ride at Disney World."

"But one ride? Seriously. What’s so special about this ride that he wants to fly across the country just to ride it?"

"I don’t know? It’s some Sully ride he saw on TV."

"Sully? From Monsters, Inc.? He doesn’t really even like Monsters, Inc."

"Yeah, but he likes this ride."

"And you’re thinking we should fly across the country, and spend God only knows how much money because he wants to ride ONE ride based on characters from a movie that he doesn’t particularly like?"

"Of course."

And that ladies and gents, is most likely why my Cameron is a spoiled brat. Oh well, what am I going to do? I can’t stop her from spoiling him rotten.

Anyway, I slept until 3:00 pm today. And I know, how lazy of me, but who cares, it felt great! Once up, I spied a check from Christie laying across my keyboard, and you’d think I’d be happy, but it just succeeded in putting me in a pissy mood, so I left the following note taped to her door...

Christie,
Rent for this month is $570.00 NOT $350.00. I am well aware that you don’t give a rat’s ass whether or not I get evicted but unfortunately for you, I do. The landlord has given me until Wed. Feb 22nd before he tapes a 3 day notice to the door, you’ve got until Tues. Feb. 21st to come up with the remaining $220.00. I’m serious, Christie. I’m finished being nice.
Aimee

So I suppose we’ll see how she handles that one because she hates being called out or feeling pressured, but frankly, I don’t really give a fuck.

Aside from sleeping all day and taping snotty notes to Christie’s door, I didn’t do much of anything except go to dinner at with Drew. It was a lazy day and normally I’d feel guilty about that, but today, I don’t.

Anyhow, I hope you all had a pleasant Saturday.

Night.

P.S. I just read the most fantastic fucking thing ever, and while I can't really get into detail because it'll just get me in trouble, and then I'll probably have to deal with a couple of bitches that honestly, I'd like nothing more than to shove my foot up both of their ignorant asses, but though it pains me, I try to avoid the drama with these two because, well, this is supposed to be a peacful, non-confrontational place for Angie I. But I'll be damned if I can't stop laughing over the sudden brush with misfortune one of them is currently facing. Hee hee. Oh, past experience has proven that the dumb bitch will sucker a bunch of idiots into helping her out of the jam she's in, but if there was any justice in the world that egotistical, narcissistic, ignorant cunt would go down in flames. Ah, if only... I know, I know, laughing at someones misfortune--how rude. But when someone fucks me (and Angie, mind you) over as bad as they did, I can hold a mean fucking grudge.

TGIF

With the huge lapse in my infusions from November to January, and having to take over-the-counter pre-meds with my last one, I'd forgotten just how powerful that shit they push through my IV is. Good God, it knocked me flat on my ass, and I was down for the count shortly after 7:00 last night. If I got up again after that, it's a blur.

And because I was out like a light, I missed CSI and Without a Trace, were they good ones? Come to think of it, I missed House on Tuesday too. Sigh. It's been a bad week for TV in my world.

Switching subjects completely, if I could, I'd trek my ass up to Minnesota with a big, thick, warm and comfy blanket in hand, and snuggle up with my Angie. It's a mite cold in her corner of the world, and I wish I could help keep her warm and toasty (in a purely platonic way, of course). I miss you, Ang, and I love you most incredibly.

Well, it's Friday, I slept over 11 hours last night, and woke up with a pounding headache (too much sleep does that to me), Cameron is spending the night at Drew's, and I'll be all by my lonely, what ever will I do with myself? Hmm, I suppose I'll think of something.

And because maudlin is such an awful way to feel, for you, Evan...

Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some people move our souls to dance. They awaken us to a new understanding with the passing whisper of their wisdom. Some people make the sky more beautiful to gaze upon. They stay in our lives for awhile, leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never, ever the same. ~ Flavia Weedn

When people we care about seem to fade from our lives, it's so very sad, but as long as we remember them and what it was they brought to our lives, they're never really gone completely.

Oh well, that's all for now. I hope you all have a pleasant Friday.

P.S. My dad paid my rent so Cameron and I won't be living out of my car somewhere. I'm all weepy now because he really can't afford to do this, but he loves us, and he wants to help. I'll probably never be able to repay his kindness, and he'd be pissed that I even feel the need to, but I can't help it. Thanks, daddy.

I'm outta here...

Alright, I'm off to be thoroughly medicated, and properly infused. Think of me in my drug induced coma while you're all enjoying your evening, and perhaps I'll dream a little dream of something lovely. Who knows?

Have a good one.

Side Note:

I just got a call from my mom, and her opening line was, "Well it appears you're not alone in fuck-over-land anymore."

You see, my mom just got a call from Wells Fargo informing her that there has not been a payment made on Christie's car loan (which happens to be in my mom's name) in the last two months.

Ain't she great? She's burning bridges all across the state of Florida, and when her pissy ass is all alone, and moaning for help, I don't know who she thinks is going to step up to the plate after she's fucked us all sideways.

And in my naturally smartass way, I told my mom that if I have to choose between my car and my townhouse, I'm going to have to go with the car because I'll be needing a way to get to work, and you certainly can't drive the townhouse. Anyhow, if my address changes to the corner of Coral Ridge and nowhere, I'll certainly let you know. Oh come on now, laugh, it was funny. Sorta.

Ah, ain't life grand.

And this, ladies and gents, is a crash course in "How to fuck up Aimee's good mood in zero to sixty seconds".

Aimee -- Happy (Belated) Valentine's Day.

Well, the cold has pretty much backed off for now, and saints be praised, it'll be back into the low 70's today. But last night was still a bit on the frigid side, and as I was sitting outside of the Big Bear Brewing Company waiting for dinner, I decided that it's a pity I don't like real shoes because I'd save my poor feet a whole lot of misery if I did. Hey, at least I was wearing a jacket this time.

Anyhow, in my hopelessly sappy way, I've always adored the commercialized trappings of candy hearts, red roses and the over sensationalized promotion of love that represent Valentine's Day, but I have to tell you, with all the other shit going on in my life right now, I wasn't all that thrilled about it this year.I was feeling a mite blah about the whole hearts and flowers thing. But I have some extremely wonderful people in my life who saw to it that the blah attitude I was sporting didn't stick around for too long.

So, I want to say thanks to...

My Cameron, who made me the sweetest little card with his own sweet hands, and showered me with extra hugs and kisses throughout the evening to make me feel extra loved.

The one who makes my heart all aflutter (and I won't put your name here because I'm not thinking you'd want me to, but I'm assuming you know who you are), thank you for the lovely gifts. I'll have you know that since I recieved them, I curl up with them every night before I go to sleep and they help keep me warm. And with every word I read, I think of you. I know that Valentine's Day isn't your thing, and my sappy, romantic heart sighs because you put that aside to make the day special for me.

Drew, who took me to dinner, and bought me the most unique batch of roses I've ever seen, they were all different colors--lavender, peach, white, pink, yellow, red--and an extremely beautiful card.

My warehouse guy, who bought me a heart shaped box of chocolates which was completely unnecessary, but extremely sweet.

My dad, who bought me a plastic shaped heart filled with chocolate covered cherry cordials which happen to be one of my favorite things. And God, they are yummy.

Jeff, my friend, who sent me a super-sweet eCard with these adorible little heart shaped lollipops that I'll confess, tempted me to lean forward and lick the screen.

A blast from my past, who sent a super-cute card that had me laughing like an idiot at an ungodly hour of the morning with the following message attached, "You've always had a natural, unique beauty about you that seperates you from other women, and obviously I'm not the only one that's ever thought that.", which is one of the loveliest compliments I've been given in a long time.

You're all wonderful, and I thank you for not allowing me to wallow in my self-pity for too long, and for making a day I wasn't looking forward to positively lovely.

When I finally laid down last night I was happy and oddly content. I know I shouldn't have been, my sister, who I haven't spoken to since all that shit happened the other night, was upstairs in her room still avoiding the problems between us, and because of that I have so many things I have to figure out by Friday. And God knows I have no idea how I'm going to make it without losing something, but last night I didn't care, I pushed all that shit aside, and just enjoyed being happy. I curled up with another gift (that has a very cool name, btw) that came my way at Christmas time, and together, he and I, drifted off to sleep with my mind blissfully empty.

Today, unfortunately, my mind is mercilessly full, but we won't ruin a good moment by talking about all that.

And I hope whoever happened to celebrate V-Day had as fantastic a day as I did.

Angie's Entry

Well kids and campers, it's week two at my new job and all is status quo. It's a job,with a pay increase that will pay my bills. It's not the job I want, but for now it will have to do until I can make a different move.

I went over to my mom's on Saturday and we talked. She told me she wanted to call me everyday and see if I was ok, but she didn't want to bother me either. I guess she was pretty worried that I might hurt myself.

I talked to my sista on Friday for like an hour, her surgery went well and she sounded like she was in good spirits. She tried again with the pep talk, you're a great person, you're smart, blah, blah, blah. And yes it's true, I don't believe any of the things people tell me about myself because you have to get right with yourself before you can accept what other people have to say about you and believe it.

Changing who you are is hard. And taking the first step is even harder when you don't know where you want to get to. When you're thirty and have no direction for yyour life. And if one more person says, 30!? You've got plenty of time - Fuck you. You're not me.

I've been living with depression for as long as I can remember. I took medication for it for a while when I was in school.

I haven't been happy with myself or my life for a very long time.

I know that everyone has things, choices, decisions they wish they'd done differently, but do you know anyone who just plain wishes they were someone other than themselves? I do.

I can put up a good front. I can pretend that I'm fine, and most people will accept that. Which works, cause then those same people go on about their daily lives. Ignorance is bliss.

I feel/felt bad for my mom, she's got enought to worry about without worrying about me.

She even emailed Teresa on Friday. The reasoning behind it isn't very clear to me, because as much as Teresa is a good friend of mine, she knows little to nothing about what's going on in my life because she's too wrapped up in her own. But that's something that you learn to accept by being her friend, she's selfish and self-absorbed, that's just who she is. I called her Saturday when I got home cause she'd left me a message and I didn't want her to think I was ignoring her.

I'm one of Katie's personal attendants in her wedding and it's really the last thing I want to do. I think she asked me out of guilt because their keeping the wedding parties small, which I completely understand. One the other hand, I don't want to have to be around my ex, his current or his kids. It's hard. Especially when the kids don't even remember who I am. the oldest won't even acknowledge me, most likely because of her mother's influence. The middle kid, who was my kid, I don't even know if she remembers who I am. Katie and I had a difference of opinion this past spring. A situation wasn't handled with the maturity it should have been and Katie didn't understand why I was so upset about it. She didn't understand because luckily for her, she's never been through what I have, and I hope she never does. So I'm trying to figure out if or how I tell her that I can't be in her wedding, or if I suck it up and be apart of something that'll going to be very uncomfortable.

I'm not looking for sympathy or a pat on the head that it'll be ok. I don't know that and neither do you.

Is there anything anyone can do? No. Most days I'm not even sure that there's anything I can do.

Aimee,
Coming from someone who knows depression, the depression you're feeling is situational and it will pass with time. I promise it will. You're feeling a lot of stress due to your financial situation and the crap with your sister, it to will pass. It might not have the outcome you desire but eventually it will resolve itself.

But I know, who the hell am I to be giving someone else advise? I'm not.

I'm a complete contradiction - I know.

Later,
Ang

Burn One's Bridges: Part 2.

I was too angry and hurt to talk about what happened with Christie last night, not to mention the fact that I tore out of my own house last night wearing capri pants, a short sleeve shirt and flip flops with no fucking jacket, and drove around for hours crying to the point of hyperventilation in 40 degree weather because I didn't want to be in the same house with her, and I knew if I stayed I'd say or do something I can never unsay or undo. So when I got home, I was a frozen, sniffling, whimpery mess and didn't feel much like doing anything. And I probably wouldn't have said anything today either because honestly, I don't really know how to explain what kicked everything into spiraling out of control last night, but my Angie is curious, and hell, maybe it'll do me some good to talk about it.

Ever since Christie wrote me those two bad checks that fucked my finances all to hell there's been a bit of tension between us, and it had gotten worse this last week because it was coming up on two weeks since it happened, and she hadn't yet made any attempt to pay me back or even explain what it was she intended to do, etc. And though I managed to fix the financial mess she put me in by using my income tax check to cover the bad checks, fees, etc. that amassed, it was only a temporary fix. You see, my income tax check was $1,500.00, and after you subtract the $923.74 (which was for rent as well as the utilities from the two previous months that she'd never bothered to pay for) that I had to cover for her fuck up, I was left with $576.26, which probably has you wondering, well, what's the problem? The problem is that out of that $576, I had to now pay all of the current utilities by myself, and then there's my car payment, my car insurance, Cameron's aftercare payment, my cell phone bill, and just basic living expenses plus the rent is now late again, and since she still hasn't paid what she owes for the previous month do you think she has any intention of paying this month? Let me break that all down for you:

1,025.00 (Rent)
140.00 (Late fees on rent)
412.20 (Car payment)
274.80 (Car Ins. renewal rate)
142.00 (Cameron's after care)
55.26 (cell phone)
101.56 (Electric)
114. 28 (Phone/internet)
38.40 (Water)
75.54 (Cable)
Which comes to: $2,379.04

Now subtract that $576.26, and you've got $1,802.78, now let's throw in my last two payroll checks which combined were $730.00, and subtract that from 1,802.78, and you've got $1,072.78 that I still owe.

So that's where I'm at right now, and honestly, I think I've been handling it quite well. Sure, I think I have a nasty ulcer, I've cried more in the last two weeks than I have in years, and if anyone bothers to pay attention I'm in the middle of what would be a textbook case of depression, but I've managed not to hurt myself or anyone else so to my way of thinking, I've been doing okay. That is, until last night.

I knew what she was up to, I did, there were signs, and she sort of slipped up when she was talking to me last week. Come to think of it, I believe I mentioned what I thought she was doing behind my back to Evan in an e-mail late last week. There was no proof, but in my mind I knew. But knowing and accepting are two different things, you know. I mean, she's my sister for fucks sake, and I guess I just refused to believe that she'd so blantantly fuck me over. But she did.

And it all came out last night.

First, knowing that she owes me and because she has yet to pay me back, I've been struggling to keep my head above water, she went and paid $1,000 down payment on a new apartment instead of paying back what she owes me. And if I can't come up with her half of the rent in the next few days, there is a very real possibility that I'll get an eviction notice.

Second, it appears that everyone aside from my mother and I knew that she's planning on moving out on Wednesday (that would be THIS Wednesday February 15th). God, my own step-brother is helping her move, and you have no idea how much that hurt, but hell, maybe he doesn't know what's going on. I wouldn't put it past her not to tell him.

And I think, for me anyway, what made all of this so hard to swallow, what made it so painful, and completely unforgivable is that none of this I heard from her. She didn't have enough respect, love, whatever for me, and my son to tell me herself. No, she chose to go around behind my back and do all this fucked up shit without giving a fuck about the effects her actions will have on me and Cameron.

So there you have it. I'm fucked, but it's okay because I'll figure a way to deal with it. I just don't know what that is yet.

P.S. It's comforting to me to know that no matter how lost or upset I feel my mom has this strange way of making me smile at the most ridiculous times. It was 45 degrees last night and I was standing outside in the biting wind with my teeth chattering, my feet were like little blocks of ice, and my damn tears were practically drying to my face before they had a chance to hit midcheek, crying to my mom on my cell phone when she cuts in with, "Aimee, I know you're upset honey, but could you please refrain from using the word fuck so much?" Sigh, I love her.

Burn (ones’s) bridges:

To do something which makes it impossible for one to return to their former situation or way of life, etc.; to cause permanent damage in your relationships.

A bridge has been burnt tonight, and right now, I have no desire to rebuild it, I don’t think I ever will. And I know that my harsh stance and refusal to bend is hurting my mom, and for that I am truly sorry, but I can’t bend, not this time. And I can’t forgive, not this.

And you know the part that hurts the most is, I want to hate her for this, but even now, knowing that she doesn’t give a fuck about me or my son or what’s going to happen to us because of what she’s done, I can’t. But I can’t forgive her either, so where do I go from here? I just don’t know.

P.S. It seems fitting that we're under a Freeze Watch until Tuesday, and they're predicting bumping that to a Freeze Warning, and a Frost Advisory. Fun.

Aimee

God, I woke up with the wickedest migraine this morning, and usually I just deal with them because they’re a frequent visitor of mine, but this one was a bit nastier than my usual ones, and I wasn’t at all happy about it. And while I won’t say he does it purposely, Cameron always seems to choose mornings (afternoons, evenings) when he knows I’m not feeling well to act particularly obnoxious, and this morning was no exception. Sigh.

Anyhow, after I got past wanting to strangle the little monster (not literally, mind you), I convinced myself that it was a good idea to get dressed, and take him somewhere before he succeeded in driving me out of my mind.

So I took him to Baja Fresh for lunch because Cameron is addicted to taco’s, and I absolutely refused to go to Taco Bell again. And after we went outside because they have this little fountain between Baja Fresh and Quizno’s that Cameron wanted to look at, and I sat on a little bench while he checked out the fountain. It was actually cute because he wanted to throw some money in to make a wish, and after he threw the quarter in he spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to figure out which quarter was for his wish.

After we left there, I took him to the Cold Stone Creamery right down the street from our house because we’ve never been there, and Angie’s told me a few times that I need to try it because their ice cream is delicious. And it is. Cameron had a scoop of Mint Mint Chocolate Chocolate Chip, and I had a scoop of Cherry Loves Cheesecake. They were both yummy, but he gave me a bite of his, and I should’ve gotten that one. I don’t know why I didn’t? Mint Chocolate Chip is my absolute favorite ice cream, but apparently I was feeling contrary.

And now we’re back home. Cameron is watching Cartoon Network, and I’m contemplating a shower because I have to pick Drew up in a couple hours for our Saturday night date.

Anyway, here are some pictures I took of Cameron while we were out...





I hope you all have a great weekend.

Aimee -- Ouch.

Life is blah, people suck, and I'm in pain. And if the pain doesn't calm the fuck down, I'm afraid I'm going to overdose on ibuprofen. Ouch.

Woe is me.

Maybe I'll form a coherent thought, and post a rational post after I finish feeling like I'm going to die. Die, I tell you. God, I hurt.

Aimee -- Just some ranting, don't mind me.

Oh, I can not begin to tell you how much I love people who attempt to tell me how I should live my life like I'm too fucking stupid to know what's good for me. What, do people like this think I've been sitting around with my thumb up my ass half asleep for the last few years? I haven't.

I need to work it out. I need to be the strong one. I need to stop enabling. I need... I need... I need...

Don't preach to me, sister, I know exactly what I need to do. And last time I checked, I was a fully functioning adult who is more than capable of taking care of herself, and anyone else who depends on me for that matter.

You know, it's incredibly easy for those standing on the sidelines, living their bright, shiny, happy-go-lucky lives to step in and assume they know what's best for me, but truthfully, unless they're one of the very few people I've given an all access pass into my personal life then they don't know dick, and their "well-meaning" intrusion into my life is nothing more than an insult.

And for those people who think it's cool to expound their boundless bits of bullshit criticism carefully shaded to sound like knowledge on others, and otherwise try to dictate their lives, you ever heard that one about "those who live in glass houses..."? No? Well, look it up, you just might learn something.

Edited @ 1:50 am: Well, now that I'm over my pissy mood, I'll tell you that I've been sitting here for hours doing absolutely nothing... zip, zilch, zero ...and somewhere in the middle of all this nothingness I was doing I stumbled across a blog that was well, interesting I guess you'd say. Now see, I like a mans (how to put it gracefully) nether regions (see, nice and PG) just as much as the next woman, and hell, I don't mind looking at them either, but I'm thinking that creating a blog decicated soley to sharing pictures of ones nether regions (numerous times a day) is a bit narcissistic. Or maybe it's just me.

So much for a nice relaxing Sunday...

God, it's wicked cold today. And I have this bad habit of not dressing properly, and therefore I usually freeze my ass off. Today it's my feet, they're like little blocks of ice and my mom would be majorly pissed at me because I promised her I'd put my flip flops away until after Winter. But I hate sneakers, hate hate hate them. Though I will admit that I'm wishing I didn't hate them quite so much this morning.

Well because of some crazy mix up with my mom, I had Sarah for pretty much the whole day on Sunday too. Apparently my mom was supposed to drive back from Okeechobee and swing by to pick up Sarah from the house around 1:00 pm so Christie could leave for work, but she called my cell around 11:00 am, and said that she was delayed, and needed me to watch her until she got back into town. I was slightly annoyed because Sunday is Cameron's day with Drew, and because I cancelled our Saturday night date, I told him that I'd hang with the two of them Sunday. I was supposed to pick him up at 11:30, but since I now had to watch Sarah, and Christie had yet to emerge from her room, that 11:30 thing wasn't going to work. And I'll admit, I didn't even call Drew to tell him we were running behind or that we had an added guest because I didn't want to endure another lecture about my sisters blatant misuse of me.

Anyhow, it all worked out in the end. We had lunch at Denny's, and then headed off to Walmart (my least favorite place in the whole world) to see if we could get Cameron an easier bike for him to learn on than the one he has. And while there, Sarah conned me into buying her this silly little stuffed monkey wearing a big white ribbon with red hearts all over it. Sigh. If she weren't so darn cute saying no would be so easy, but alas, she is too cute for her own good or mine anyhow.

After the new bike was bought, and the silly stuffed monkey was lovingly clutched in the crook of Sarah's arm, we headed back to my house so Cameron could try out his new bike. And I snapped this picture of Sarah with my cell phone while we were outside...



I know the quality of the pictures I post suck, but that's because I take them on my cell phone. If I could ever remember exactly what Jeff told me I need to do to get my digital camera to work with my computer, I'd post better quality pictures. I'll have to ask him again because for the life of me, I can't remember what he said.

My mom finally picked up Sarah around 5:00 pm, and after my dad got to the house, he agreed to watch Cameron so I headed back to Drew's with him, and we ordered a pizza and watched Flight Plan since we didn't get to do it Saturday night as planned. After I left Drew's (around 11 or so) I swung by my mom's and picked up Sarah because Christie was working the late shift.

And that's it really, my weeked was full of messy, rowdy, misbehaving children, but it's okay cause I happen to adore children (even when they're hellbent on driving me up a wall). You know, back when I was young and naive, I wanted six of the little monsters, but Drew's absolute refusal to have more than one, and me coming to my senses nipped that want fairly quick.

Well, I hope you all have a wonderful day, mine's just peachy so far.

P.S. For reasons I can't pin down, I've been really into Faith Hill lately? Shrug. I dunno? Anyway, I'm feeling this song today. It's pretty.

Let's Make Love -- Faith Hill with Tim McGraw

Baby I've been drifting away
Dreaming all day
Of holidng you
Touching you
The only thing I want to do
Is be with you
As close to you
As I can be

Let's make love
All night long
Until all our strength is gone
Hold on tight
Just let go
I want to feel you in my soul
Until the sun comes up
Let's make love
Oh, baby

Do you know what you do to me
Everything inside of me
Is wanting you
And needing you
I'm so in love with you
Look in my eyes
Let's get lost tonight
In each other

Let's make love
All night long
Until all our strength is gone
Hold on tight
Just let go
I want to feel you in my soul
Until the sun comes up
Let's make love

Let's make love
All night long
Until all our strength is gone
Hold on tight
Just let go
I want to feel you in my soul
Until the sun comes
Oh, until the sun comes up
Let's make love

Oh baby, let's make love
All night long
All night long
Let's make love

FYI

Blogger is screwed today. Numerous blogs are losing comments. Almost all blogs on blogger were inaccessible most of the day (ours was one of those that was inaccessible), and the ones that you could actually get to load with out that annoying "Website Not Responding" error message took so long to actually do it, you were nodding off by the time the page actually finished loading. And then there are a couple blogs that issue an error message that reads, "We're sorry, but we were unable to process your request" when you try to leave a comment.

Maybe they'll get it together, but since blogger support wasn't too helpful with Jeff when he contacted them about his missing comments, I have my doubts.

We'll see.

More useless babbling (my favorite thing)...

Did you all know that Hershey's has these sinful kisses with a cherry cordial cream filling for Valentine's Day? God, they are so yummy. It's a good thing that they're "for a limited time only" because I can't seem to keep my hands off them (the funky looking strawberry kisses are good too, btw). And I have to tell you, I went a tad nuts in the candy aisle, and now there is entirely too much of it lying around here. And God help me, I bought Snickers. Snickers. Mmm. What the hell was I thinking?

Candy aside, it's been a miserable day weatherwise here in sunny South Florida. Honestly, I don't believe the sun has made so much as a peep today. And all this rain is icky. We (me and my dad) tried to take Cameron out earlier because he's wanting to learn how to ride his bike, and we were only out there for about 20 minutes when the skies opened up. And it's been pouring ever since. You'll probably be able to go for a nice leisurely canoe ride in the parking lot shortly if it doesn't let up.

Anyhow, I'm stuck on babysitting detail again, and had to cancel my Saturday night thing with Drew. I don't believe he's very happy about it, and quite frankly, I wasn't either. I typically don't mind watching Sarah, she's a sweetheart, and I love her to pieces, but Christie knows that I go out with Drew every Saturday night, and apparently she doesn't care. If the situation were reversed and I expected her to cancel something she had planned because I had no one to watch Cameron, she'd balk, bitch, and most likely go ahead and keep her plans. But if I tried that shit, she'd try to make me feel guilty for not wanting to change my plans to help her out. And to make sure I couldn't say "no", she waited until noon today to "ask" me knowing full well that she had to leave here by 1 pm, and had no one else to watch her. Nice, huh?

Oh well, such is life.

Anyway, here's some pictures of my Cameron trying to ride his bike before all the rain came in...

Yee Haw, Whoo Hoo and all that jazz...

It's almost 5 pm on Friday, Cameron is going to my mom's, Christie is working, my dad is hanging at his friends, I have absolutely nothing to do tonight and no one to do it with, but fuck if I care cause I'm in a good mood today.

Damn skippy.

Sleepless in S. Florida (Sigh)

Hence the senseless rambling about inconsequential shit to follow...

Ugh, if I don't do something about these nightmares that have been plaguing Cameron (and waking me up at a minimum of three times a night for the last 3 nights), we're both gonna be in trouble. Last night (or rather this morning), it was 3:00 am, 4:45 am, and somewhere around 6:00 am. And God, I'm tired. I'm back to feeling like the walking dead. I hate that.

But that whole miserably tired, walking dead feeling aside, I'm in an unusually good mood today. I don't have any idea why, but that's okay, I'm just gonna roll with it because it's become a rare thing around here lately.

Work was work. But Nicky was here today, and that was cool. I love that kid, he's awesome! And it's slightly weird because he's almost nine years old, and I started babysitting him back when he was just a smidge over one. Time flies, and I'm getting old. But it was fun, he got a new cell phone last night, and he was playing me all the different ring tones he has to choose from to see if I liked the one that he picked. I did, it was the coolest one. Way cooler than any of mine.

And I realized today, that I can be a tad bitchy at times (probably why my guys lovingly hung that framed "Attitude" picture in my office).

W, my warehouse guy, came in here earlier, sat down across from me and proceeded to stare adoringly at me. He does this often, and it gets annoying, so I Iooked at him pointedly and said, "Yes?"

To which he replied, "You look wonderful today, like a ray of sunshine. You're in a good mood, I can tell just looking at you, you're glowing, you..."

I put up my hand to stop him, and said, "Cut the shit. What do you want?"

Nice, huh? I'm thinking maybe I should work a bit on my people skills.

Anyway, Drew called me today to ask if he could borrow $10 for lunch, and as we were hanging up, he said, "I guess I'll talk to you later, if you ever actually call." Now, wait a minute, I just called the man yesterday, and sure, the conversation lasted less than 5 minutes, but hey, I called. It's his turn.

Speaking of people asking to borrow money, that wonderful person solely responsible for the financial mess I was in called me at work yesterday just as I was about to walk out the door, and asked me if I'd mind stopping at Publix on my way home to pick her up a 12 pack of Corona, she ended the conversation by saying, "I'll pay you back". So what I'm wondering is, did she really expect me to say, "Sure thing, sweetness, you can just add that to the nine hundred twenty three dollars and change you already owe me. No problem". Not fucking likely. And God, doesn't she have some brass balls? Incredible.

And that's it. I'm going to plant my ass in front of the TV tonight, and do absoluetly nothing productive. I can't wait.

Have a good one.

Aimee (<~ Original, huh?)

Yawn. I am so incredibly tired today. Mmm. I want to take a nap. Maybe later. Anyway, I'm in an iffy mood today, which isn't exactly good, but it's a far sight better than bad so that's good. Did you follow that?

And you know, my Angie told me earlier that she was going to get me my JD book tomorrow, and mail it to me, but my mom beat her to it. Isn't she just the sweetest? I have to tell you, it gave me a case of the happies. Thanks, Ang! I love you, cupcake! Oh, and for indulging in a trash-fest with me too! I really needed that! LOL.

Today has been one of those incredibly busy days on the work front. I've been typing up vouchers since I came in at 8:30 this morning (well, I took a short side trip between 12:30 & 1:00, and just sat here staring into space, but let's just keep that between you and me, okay), and I just now finished (thank God). The first and last week of every month always make me cringe because it's billing time, and things get crazy 'round here. But since I finished those dreadful vouchers, the next couple hours should be pretty peaceful.

Well, Christie's pretty much been avoiding me since Friday. Oh, she'd say that she's doing no such thing, but she is. Thing is, I'm pretty much passed pissed now, and have settled somewhat uncomfortably into resigned. Anyhow, in an IM last night (which I thought was a tad insulting, seeing as she was right upstairs, and could've walked her ass down to say what she wanted to say, especially considering the context) she finally decided to somewhat address what happened, but really she pretty much just skirted the issue at hand and ended it by saying that she'd appreciate me giving her a couple months to get her shit together, but after that, she's planning to move back east because (in her words not mine) she's done me more harm than good since she moved in. Which is pretty close to accurate, but I didn't ask her to go anywhere, and I had no intention of asking her to leave. But if she has it in her head that she needs to go or she feels that I'm somehow sending off "get the fuck out" vibes, then there ain't a thing I can do about it. My only problem with her plan is Sarah, and personally I don't fucking care whether she likes it or not, her and I are going to deal with some things that she's being completely ignorant about concerning her child. It will more than likely get ugly because Christie doesn't like to be called out about anything, and when she is she takes the defensive, but she should know that I can get just as ugly as she can. I don't like to, but I can, and I will.

None of you have ever seen me get ugly, have you?

And if she does move, my dad and my papaw are wanting to move in because it's been really hard for them, and the three of us splitting the bills will make it easier all around (which is exactly how it should've been with Christie, but it never quite worked out that way). So we'll see. I just hope something happens soon because honestly, I'm tired of all the upheaval. I just want some peace, and maybe a smidge of normalcy for good measure.

Oh, welcome back Tom. Where the hell'd you go?

P.S. I don't know what my problem is, but this song...

Hey, time won't wait
Life goes by
Every day's a brand new sky
Every tear
Comes to dry
All that really matters in this crazy world
Is you and I together, baby
Just remember

The first leaves off the tree
The way you look at me
A thousand chiming church bells ring
The simple things are free
The sun, the moon, the stars
The beating of two hearts
How I love the simple things
The simple things just are

So here we go
Let's just dance
Teach my soul to take this chance
Put my heart In your hands
Out of all the moments that we leave behind
Turn around and tell me baby
We'll remember

The thunder and the rain
The way you say my name
After all the clouds go by
The simple things remain
The sun, the moon, the stars
The beating of two hearts
How I love the simple things
The simple things just are

Oh, the ocean and the sky
The way we feel tonight
I know that it's the love that brings
The simple things to life
The sun, the moon, the stars
The beating of two hearts
I love the way the simple things
The simple things just are
I love the way the simple things
The simple things just are
The simple things just are
The simple things
Just are

The Simple Things -- Jim Brickman

Had me a big teary mess earlier. Shrug.